The "Ask Arthur" Column

In this week's column, the noble King Arthur will answer your burning questions! All anonymous all the time. 

Dear Arthur,

My son was conceived out of wedlock with another man's wife before I married her after he died. A series of tricks and magic got me into her bedroom...I mean sure she thought I was her then-husband, but that's neither here nor there. Keep in mind that this was not my fault: my health was in danger! Should I tell my son about this weird conception? I can't say much more because I don't want you him to figure out who's writing. 

-Forlorn Father 

Dear Forlorn,

I'd say don't tell me him! Keep those lips sealed and let time wash away your misdoings. I know I'd never do something so impure and reprehensible, but alas, we can't all be me.

-King Arthur 

Dear Arthur, 

I'm extremely wise and magical - I'm, like, really smart. I became the wisest guy in all the land on my first try! Please blindly believe what I'm saying: I'm not crazy. Never been to a psychiatrist. I even had a good (great) meeting at the round table today! The mainstream media tries to discredit me, but trust me. Also I'm not hairy and never have been hairy. Now to my question...I've got a nubile, beautiful huntress lady friend, but I'm like *pretty* sure she hates me. All-knowing stuff aside, I can't see how exactly I'll die, but something tells me not to trust this pretty young thing. I give and I give and she just doesn't seem into me for some reason. She swats my hand away whenever I try to hold it. What should I do? I might die...but I really want to deflower her. 

-Mournful Magician

Dear Mournful,

We've all been there. Your question is valid. My advice is to trust your instincts! If you think this beautiful lady is too good to be true and you're as all-knowing as you say you are (and I'm inclined to believe you based on those credentials), run for the hills! Unless you think the sex is super worth it, in which case, what do you really have to lose?

-King Arthur

Arthur,

I've always been a little different from my peers. I'm guessing it's due to my skin (I'm green lol), or because of my tendency to go to parties asking for my head to be lobbed off. Here's the thing: I had my wife try to trick this guy, whose head I was about to chop, into sleeping with her, and he was supposed to say no (long story, don't ask, but this was the deciding factor on his head staying where heads belong). But he kissed her a few too many times if you ask me. Didn't sleep with her! Toed the line, was pretty cautious. Should I spare him? Did he find the loophole? 

-Not-so-jolly Green Giant

Dear Not-so-jolly,

I say let him live. Sounds like this guy was noble in the face of temptation. Maybe this could lead to a life-long friendship where the two of you chop heads and get chopped together? Sorry about the kissing though...maybe try a different plot next time.

-King Arthur 

That's all we've got for this week! Don't forget to write questions to your King for some royally insightful answers!